Natalie Roche - In-class exercise on Portfolio Revisions

The paper that I want to focus on re-writing the most was my first paper on shyness in children and how this is handled in the Denver area. After rereading my paper and having written it the first time, I realize that I don't necessarily agree with my claim, and that this needs to be changed as well as made more clear and detailed. For this case, I think writing both my analysis and thesis would be important. I want to rewrite my thesis so it makes more sense to me and to the reader. From that I can correct my analysis and description based on what I've already learned as well as reflecting more on the action taken in the Denver/Colorado area. I will also use your, the professor's, corrections to aid me in my revision.
When it came to stating the main claim clear and precisely, I think it originally was stated appropriately, but throughout my essay I seemed to change my mind and not stay on topic. That's something I hope to fix in my revision. I also want to go into more detail from my articles and use quotes to support my argument.